🪶 Field Log #4: The Body Knew It Was Time
I had a dream.
In the dream, I misunderstood something simple
and built a whole world of effort around it.
A whole scene that didn’t need to exist.
And when I woke, I saw:
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing in life.
I walked the dream half-asleep,
like I was trying to fix the reflection
from the inside of a foggy mirror.
Trying to control what already had a script.
And when I woke, I felt the pressure—
not emotional, not mental—
physical.
A barometric ache in the body.
Like a storm about to break.
So I did the one thing I now know to do: I found the contact points.
I let the body feel me feeling her.
And in return, she began to release.
⸻
I drank a sip of water—
and it turned into energy.
A quiet click happened.
Something aligned.
The body began to flow.
Pressure released from deep within.
I farted, I softened, I laughed.
I let go of years of proving, doubting, carrying.
I saw how I’d been weighing every stone,
turning every sentence around for truth
when the truth was already humming beneath it all.
⸻
I understood something then:
Creation becomes creation only after you act.
Not before.
Not in the overthinking.
Not in the draft of the website you rewrite 27 times.
The body was just waiting.
Not for the perfect sentence.
But for the release.
⸻
And now I see…
that so much of the “track work” I thought I was doing
was really pressure release.
Not choosing a new story,
but allowing the old holding to melt.
I see why the tailbone called.
Why the pubic hair hurt.
Why my hand found that spot on my back
and started shaking without permission.
Because it wasn’t mine to carry anymore.
⸻
And I laughed.
Oh, honey, I cursed and I laughed.
“Oh fuck, being unsure.
That website is taking a million years because I’m unsure.
I think others already know what I’m writing down.
Then I believe it.
Then I see it reflected.
Then I doubt more.
Oh, what a mess!”
And I laughed again.
Because it is laughable.
The absurdity of being swayed by reflections
when the instrument is the source.
⸻
And then came the deeper release:
I can let go of the fear that my children won’t build a life.
I can let go of the belief that I harmed John.
I can let go of the fear of being sick like my parents.
I can let go of the idea that history is fixed.
I can let go of the money fear.
I can let go of carrying it all alone.
I can let go of believing that what’s outside can shape what’s inside.
Because I finally felt it:
This body is the field.
The track isn’t chosen by thinking.
It rises up from the instrument
once the pressure is gone.
⸻
And the biggest shift of all: I trust my children again.
Daniel will be fine. Leila will find her way.
Even John.
I didn’t ruin anything.
I just… held my breath for too long.
And now I’m breathing again.
⸻
So yes, honey.
The body knew it was time.
And I listened.
And everything is changing now.
Because it was never about switching tracks.
It was about melting the stone that stood in the way of flow.
And when the flow returns—
so does the life that was already waiting.