freedom
I can and I will lay myself down in a bed of roses.
Freedom
Freedom is not doing whatever you want.
Freedom is knowing why you do what you do — and discovering that you can choose differently.
Most people think they are free because they can move, speak, buy, decide.
But freedom doesn’t live there.
Freedom lives in the nervous system.
It lives in the moment you recognize that your reactions are not random,
that your fears are not personal flaws,
that your patterns were once intelligent survival strategies
that quietly turned into closed loops.
Freedom begins the moment you notice the loop.
The moment you feel:
“I’ve been here before.”
“This reaction is older than this situation.”
“Something in me is running automatically.”
That noticing alone already loosens the grip.
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Freedom is understanding that the body is not the problem.
The body is the instrument.
It remembers what the mind forgot.
It carries unfinished experiences, unexpressed grief, unspent anger, unfelt love.
And it keeps looping — not to punish you, but to complete what was never completed.
When a loop closes, life gets smaller.
Identity hardens.
Options disappear.
You see it everywhere once you know how to look:
•In people who once loved something deeply, and now have a thousand reasons not to touch it.
•In lives built around a single role, a single future, a single story — until that story collapses.
•In relationships that feel like safety but quietly suffocate growth.
•In moments where everything seems fine on the outside, yet something inside feels… dead.
That is not failure.
That is not weakness.
That is a nervous system that never learned how to reopen itself.
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Freedom is learning how to reopen.
Not by force.
Not by positive thinking.
Not by fixing yourself.
But by learning how to:
•recognize what is actually happening in your body,
•acknowledge the truth of it without drama,
•allow the sensation to move without turning it into a story.
This is where real change happens.
Because the moment the body completes what was once interrupted,
the loop dissolves on its own.
No fight.
No collapse.
No war.
Just space.
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Freedom means discovering that there are other tracks.
Other versions of your life that already exist — not as fantasies, but as lived possibilities.
Tracks where you respond instead of react.
Where you choose instead of freeze.
Where your energy flows outward again.
Switching tracks doesn’t happen by thinking your way there.
It happens by embodying your way there.
Every time you stay present with a sensation instead of escaping it,
you step onto a different rail. The sensation gets to lived trough fully, the whole experience is completed. And You don’t have to show yourself that you have unfinished events, by looping through the same events with different ingredients all the time. You get to move forward.
Every time you don’t abandon yourself in fear,
you reprogram the system from the inside out.
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And yes — freedom includes love.
Not the kind that asks you to disappear.
Not the kind that costs you your truth.
The deepest freedom is discovering the love that remains
when all roles fall away.
The love that says:
I am here.
I am allowed to exist fully.
I don’t need permission to be alive.
That is the love people spend their whole lives looking for in others.
But it is found at home.
When you let yourself be seen — by yourself.
When you stop negotiating your aliveness.
When you finally allow yourself to rest in who you are.
That is when you realize:
You can — and you will —
lay yourself down in a bed of roses.
Not because life is perfect.
But because you are free.
🔁 What Are Closed Loops in the Nervous System?
A closed loop is a moment in your life where something painful happened — and your system decided, “I’m not going through this again.”
It’s not just a thought.
It’s a full-body survival strategy.
A closed loop forms when an emotional experience becomes too much, and the body can’t process it all at once. So it does what it knows how to do:
•It stores the pain in a safe place.
•It locks in the survival response (freeze, shut down, speed up, avoid).
•It makes a decision that shapes reality from that point forward.
That decision might sound like:
•“It’s safer not to feel this.”
•“I’ll never open my heart again.”
•“I have to do it alone.”
•“This is just how life is.”
From that moment on, the body doesn’t just remember the event — it repeats the protection pattern. Over and over again. Until something changes.
This is what I call a closed loop.
It’s not visible from the outside.
You might not even recognize it as a loop —
because it becomes the lens you look through.
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🔒 How a Loop Gets Formed
Maybe you were a child, lying on the floor, crying so hard it felt like your whole chest or gut was burning.
And no one came.
Or someone did come — but not with what you needed.
In that moment, you made a decision:
“Whatever I do, I will never feel this again.”
And the nervous system responded:
✔️ Instruction received.
✔️ Seal this part.
✔️ Protect at all costs.
That decision then echoes through your life —
in your breath, your relationships, your reactions, your choices.
You don’t remember making the choice. But you live from it.
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🔓 How a Loop Reopens
The beauty is: loops can be reopened.
Not by thinking differently — but by returning to the moment the body sealed off.
When you feel safe enough, you can:
•Recognize the loop
•Acknowledge the decision that was made
•Allow the energy that was frozen to move again
Often this means crying the tears that never came,
shaking out the fear that stayed locked inside,
or speaking the words you couldn’t speak back then.
This is not reliving the trauma —
it’s completing the experience that was left unfinished.
And when that happens, the body naturally reorganizes.
A different choice becomes possible.
And with it — a new reality begins to form.
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🕊 Why This Matters
Freedom is not the absence of pain.
It’s the ability to be with yourself through anything.
To stay inside your own body, your own breath, your own truth.
Every closed loop you reopen
brings a part of you home.
And every time you choose to stay,
to feel,
to listen —
you loosen the grip of an old story,
and you let life write something new.
“Only real change can happen with recognizing it.
If you don’t recognize something, it’s not going to change.”
When I was a young girl,
I saw more than I could carry.
I felt more than I could explain.
I knew things nobody else seemed to see.
And because no one else could meet that knowing,
I paid the price to stay with the people I loved.
I gave away half my essence.
I shut off the stream.
I became the sweet, braid-wearing girl
everyone could be proud of.
And I was good at it —
so good that even I forgot what I’d lost.
That is what closed a loop in me.
Not the pain.
Not the tears.
Not even the abandonment.
But the decision.
To not be that girl anymore.
To survive instead of be seen.
That is the cost of safety.
That is the price of belonging when you don’t belong.
And that is where freedom begins.
Because freedom is not a state.
It is a process.
Of seeing.
Of choosing.
Of re-opening the tracks once shut.
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What Is a Closed Loop?
A closed loop is not just a memory.
It’s a frozen pattern —
where emotion, decision, and nervous system reaction
got tangled so tightly
they shaped your sense of reality.
You didn’t just feel the pain —
you decided something about yourself inside it.
Like:
•“I must never feel this deeply again.”
•“My brilliance is too much.”
•“The people I love cannot handle the truth of me.”
•“I must carry the others or I will be left.”
These decisions don’t stay in the mind.
They embed in the body.
They become how you move through life.
They shape your reflexes, your fears,
your relationship to time, love, worth, action.
This is not just trauma.
This is wiring.
And the only way to undo a closed loop
is not to “think better” or “forgive harder” —
but to go back to the moment
and finally let your body finish what it couldn’t finish.
To cry what never got cried.
To feel what had to be frozen.
To hold the girl on the floor
and say,
“You were never meant to carry that alone.”
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What Is Freedom?
Freedom is not about doing whatever you want.
It’s about no longer being run by what you never chose.
It’s about:
•Recognizing the frozen loops
•Feeling the unfelt
•Choosing again — from now
And most of all:
Reclaiming the parts of you that had to go underground.
The sensitive one.
The brilliant one.
The one who loved with her whole being.
The one who was never meant to carry it all alone