I was reading a comic book, written in the nighties with a story playing out in the midlevel times. all in the sudden it struck me; ‘this will never change’ when i red it, it was 2026 and the structure was still pretty alive although it plays out trough different forms now a days. And on the stand i accepted that people are free to choose what they want to choose. And no outside authority can change that. Only they themselves can step out of it if they want to. And some of them are perfectly happy where they are.
I folded the comic book and thought how the events of this day had been leading me to this book. As if life winked at me. It always tends to have a sense of humor. Trough a sentence somebody said an old wound in me got active, and all in the sudden i experienced myself as much younger again. The struggle became active, which had been active in my childhood. Can i find somebody who can stand with me in this? And because you are a child your nervious system is being programmed. Without knowing my whole live the undertone of my behaviour became filled with ‘find somebody that can give you permission to express your truth’ .
And that is exhausting. The funny thing is, you don’t know it is exhausting until you don’t do it anymore. The whole lanscape changes. My mind is almost immediately starting to fill up the gaps, fortunately I catch it. And go sit down. Fear floods the body. As we have done so many times, i acknowledge it to myself, let it be there. I feel the pull to move away from it, I feel how the commitymeeting in my head starts to gather, but i choose to keep my awareness at the fear. I know it will process and change form again, as everything always does. For now I’m scared. Part of my awareness is at the area where the feet touch the floor, this gives me the feeling of being held which helps me again to stop the bracing around the fear. It relaxes me. I know from experience the more the body opens up, the faster the fear flows trough.
This question of ‘ what happens if a person starts to trust the conversation between themselves and life’ starts to appear again.